This is Hell, or Something Like It
by By the Sounding Sea
Summary: Kate gets stuck babysitting Lord John Marbury. Funny story.


**My first _West Wing_ story. It went through a lot of revision. I love Lord John Marbury. He never fails to make me laugh. I love how he calls Leo Gerald and how he is just generally out of his mind. They really shouldn't let him in the building, where there's booze and women. Of course, you can hide the women, but the man deserves a drink. Based on a scene from the episode _The Wake Up Call_. As always, I do not own _The West Wing_ (I wish I did. It's pure genius). Enjoy!**

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><p>"Okay, so we have a plan!" CJ announced. "Leo, you take the French, I'll take the Czech, and Kate can stay in my office and babysit the good Lord."<p>

"What?" Kate said, becoming panicked.

"That good?" CJ asked.

"No! Not good!"

"Sounds fine to me, CJ," said Leo.

"Leo!"

"Have fun with him, Kate," CJ said as she left her office. "He has a great respect for women. Well, in a manner of speaking."

"CJ!"

"Good luck," Leo said as he walked out with CJ, leaving Kate alone with Lord John.

"Katherine!" he yelled from Leo's couch.

"Oh, merciful God," Kate muttered. She turned to face him. "What?"

"May I feel your breasts?"

Kate sighed. "I guess this is what CJ meant by 'great respect for women.'"

"Katherine!" Lord John said, not waiting for a response. "May I kiss your mouth?"

"Please, Jesus, take me now."

"Katherine! Must you always invoke the divine in every sentence you speak?"

"Good God in heaven. Margaret!" Kate called.

"Yes, Kate?" she said when she walked in.

"Margaret, please, for the love of my sanity, get me out of babysitting duty. I will give you anything. I will give you money, state secrets, nuclear launch codes, anything."

Margaret glanced at the couch, where Lord John was singing the word, "Katherine! Katherine! Katherine!" repeatedly.

"No. It's all you." Margaret quickly retreated back to the outer office.

"Katherine!"

"Oh, for God's sake. My name is Kate, Lord John."

"It's not Katherine?" he asked, confused.

"No, it is, but—"

"Well, then Katherine you shall be!"

"No calls me that. My name is Kate, Lord John."

"I do believe you just said it was Katherine."

"Yes, it is, _technically_, but in reality—"

"Kate, have you seen CJ?" Toby asked as he entered the office. He observed Lord John. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Well, right now, we're debating my name," Kate declared.

"Her name is Kate, Lord John," Toby said to Lord John.

"I believe it's Katherine. She said so herself."

"But no one calls—"

"Kate, Kate, just drop it," Toby said. "To him, Abbey is Abigail and Leo is Gerald. In his twisted, demented mind, you are going to be Katherine."

"Well, what are you?"

"That's a good question." Toby cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Lord John. I hate to interrupt your, uh, lovely melody, but what is my name?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you know what my name is?"

"Well, of course I do!"

"What is it?"

"It is quite _obviously_ Julio!" He went back to ignoring the only two sane people in the room.

"Alright, I guess I'd rather be Katherine than Julio," Kate admitted.

"Yeah. Uh, just out of curiosity, do I look Hispanic to you?" Toby asked.

Kate shook her head. "No. No, you don't."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. And I really haven't the slightest idea why in the name of all that is holy we keep letting him back into the building."

"Tell me about it."

"Anyway, where's CJ?" Toby asked.

"I honestly have no idea," Kate confessed. "I wasn't paying attention when she and Leo were making their little game plan. Now I really, _really_ wish I had been."

"Yeah, I didn't need to know the last part," Toby said. "I'll come back later."

"Oh, please don't leave me alone with him," Kate pleaded.

"Kate, what do you want from me?"

"A little love, Toby."

"I was born with a rare mental condition," Toby said. "I have an inability to feel or express love."

"Okay, you realize that ninety percent of the population has the same 'rare condition'?"

"Ah, you're right, I forgot. It's called—"

"Apathy," Kate finished.

"Yeah, among other things. Not giving a damn, for example. Anyway, I gotta go."

"Where?"

"I got a—I got a thing. A meeting."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"The…uh…the Ambassador to…Burma."

Kate scoffed. "Jesus, Toby, who do you think you're talking to?"

"Kate, I gotta go, the Ambassador to Burma has been waiting for me for twenty minutes."

"Burma doesn't exist, Toby."

Toby's face fell. "It doesn't?" Kate shook her head. "What happened to it?"

"It became Myanmar."

"Oh. Right. I always forget that. Anyway, I'm gonna go."

"Toby!"

"Have fun." Toby left to go sleep on his couch, Kate assumed.

"Katherine! Would you be interested in engaging in sexual intercourse?"

"Lord save me."


End file.
